The #1 Parenting Tip I Ever Received (and it changed EVERYTHING)
You’d think it’d be pretty difficult to nail down the number one most important thing I’ve learned for being a better parent. Parenting encompasses so much and it feels like there’s about a million ways you can go right and go wrong on a daily basis. But when I look at the tips I’ve received for how to be the best parent possible, there is a single one that jumps out above the rest and it’s one that I have literally seen the benefits of every single day of my kids lives. Ironically, I learned it several years before having my first baby, but it stuck with me over those years and I haven’t waivered in implementing it on a daily basis now that were two kids deep.
About six years ago someone recommended the book See You at the Top by Zig Ziglar to me. Overall it’s a life and business success book, but the number one tip I pulled out of it was a story he told about parenting. In the book, Ziglar talks about his three daughters and the early years of raising them. Paraphrasing, there was the responsible oldest child, the adorable baby, and then the problem middle child. We’ve heard this story a million times in society, haven’t we?
Ziglar states, “Children, contrary to what you might believe, do want to cooperate. If parents think the middle child is going to be different they invariably treat them differently… the middle child ‘cooperates’ and turns out to be different.” Let’s all make the obvious connection here: it doesn’t just apply to middle children. Human brains are so amazing. They’re like complicated computers that can have anything programed into them. What we hear and experience on a daily basis undoubtedly has a huge impact on who we become.
Ziglar admits that he often commented, “Why does Cindy whine so much? Why is she different? Why isn’t she happier and more cheerful?” His daughter, Cindy responded accordingly. As Ziglar puts it, “She whined, complained, fussed, and generally followed the detailed instructions I was giving her. She wasn’t different when she started, but we made her different. Then, the family started a study of the way the mind works. We finally learned what the Bible so clearly says, ‘As ye sow, so also shall ye reap.’ We learned you can’t plant negative instructions and raise a postive child anymore than you can plant beans and raise potatoes."
Y’all are you catching the power of this?! Don’t let it just slip by unnoticed! Sure, maybe you’re not calling your child “different,” but how many times have you introduced your child and said, "This is my son. He’s shy.” Or talked to relatives about your childs poor eating habits while your child is sitting in the room. Or referring to your child as “bad,” or telling her that “she never listens,” or going somewhere in public and instructing them to “not misbehave.”
Our children are listening. They are smart and they understand much more than we know. They hear it and their brains absorb it and it gets implanted deep within their subconscious. Zig Ziglar goes on to explain an experiment his wife and him conducted. They changed the language they used when describing their daugher and after several months her behavior had transformed. They started to desribe her as happy and lovable, and sure enough, she began to believe it herself and that is exactly what she became.
Since reading this I have made an effort to be extremely intentional with the words I use, especially around my children. Instead of always pointing out their less-than-desirable behavior, we focus on their positive attributes and encourage more positive behavior. When we give them instruction, we tell them what we want them to do, rather than what we want them not to do.
And guess what? It works. If our childrens brains are computers, then don’t program anything into them that you wouldn’t want to type directly into their thinking. Now don’t hear what I’m not saying. You can’t ignore bad behavior. My second biggest takeaway from parenting is consistence of discipline (another story for another day). But as Zig Ziglar says, “Criticize the performance — not the performer.” Telling your child that they made a bad choice, and telling them that they are bad are two completely different things. One corrects a behavior, while the other wrecks a self-image. One paves the way for better decision making in the future, while the other negatively impacts your child’s identity, paving the way for more “cooperative” acts of badness down the road.
Our brains look to substantiate what we believe to be true. So what does your child believe about themselves? What language can you change to reprogram any false beliefs? Let’s be intentional about speaking into our children the wonderful things that they are and all that we know they can one day become. Afterall, we’re raising the next generation of the world, and who they become starts with what we allow them to believe about themselves.